I started journaling but the internet connection was down. So, I kept adding to it and figured I'd add it here, later. It's later. :-)
May 30, 2010 - 4:00 AM
I can't sleep, again. Last night was a wave of grief. Tonight is facing my fear of something happening and me not being able to help. One of our ducklings is not doing well. I've warmed it up and spoon-fed it a couple of drops of water. That's all I can do. Earlier, I tested Jordan's blood sugar while he slept. He jerked his finger back but didn't really wake up. What if he doesn't wake up some night? What if I don't know and he just slips away from me? I can't live in fear and yet.... God, this is facing just how weak I am and how little I can control, no matter how hard I try. I can only trust you. And please save this little duckie, too.
The duckie made it through the night but was still really weak. I was supposed to go for a drink with my friend, so I let the kids know what was going on with duckie. The day with my friend turned out to be a marathon. Her van's transmission is toast, so they were without a vehicle. I felt like I could go pick her and the kids up without too much extra stress, so I did. We came back, I made sure Jordan ate lunch (including testing and shot), and we headed to Taco Bueno about lunchtime. I had eaten at home because I forgot to eat breakfast. Forgetting to eat is a theme with me this week. So, we had a good, long talk...and then talked...and then talked. It was awesome, but the marathon was a bit much for me. I was pretty exhausted after being gone for 4 hours! It turns out she's going through the wringer, too, so I had to find my listening ears. They were put away pretty far up on a shelf, at this point, but I managed to find them. I hope I helped her at least a little by listening, too.
In the meantime, duckie got cold again and weaker. The kids didn't follow the directions too much about drying her/him off and keeping her/him snuggled up close in a towel. Duckie didn't make it. Luckily, we had experienced that before (last year) and they knew it could happen with the little babies. It was sad, but we weren't too upset. And because of my overnight vigil, God helped me not to project that sadness or fear about Jordan. He does know best, even if it means a short night's sleep.
I also had another friend come over. We have really clicked in homeschool choir, but had never been to each other's house. God bless her...she volunteered to help me clean my kitchen when she has 6 kids of her own (including a newborn) and they're selling and buying a house! She's my hero! I want to be that strong when I grow up! She's also my thyroid buddy: we both are on thyroid medication and fight to feel the best we can. Despite being exhausted from the afternoon, the night was a pick-me-up. She brought three of the kids and they didn't want to part. The kids had also played with two kids in the afternoon, so they were thoroughly played out by bedtime, too!
All-in-all, I'm doing ok. Every night I fight sleep starting around 9:00. Since no one in my family is used to going to bed at that time, Mick has had most of the bedtime duty this week. I'm hoping to find a routine that doesn't include nightly exhaustion. I upped my Super Adrenal Stress Formula vitamin intake to the maximum dose, so maybe that will help. Not waking up several times out of fear will eventually help, too. I made it out of that stage when he was a newborn, I'll make it out of it, again. I sure do wish we could have one of those continual glucose monitors right about now, though. Gotta see just how much it will set us back and what the ongoing costs are. Doesn't it suck to have to determine the level of care you can have based on money?! And we even have insurance, crappy as it is. ~sigh~
May 31, 2010 6:00 AM
Got my first wake-up by a shaky kid this morning. He was still at a BS of 78, so not technically out-of-range, yet. But when your kid says he's shaky at 5:50 AM, you don't make him wait until it drops even further. So, after a couple of glucose tabs, he felt better but hungry. Since I had put his desire for cereal off until morning (just too much sugar right before bed for my peace of mind), I let him go ahead and eat. He went back to bed for some more sleep. I'm pretty sure I'm up for the day. It's not too much earlier than my norm. It will give me my peaceful quiet time with God before the day gets going, anyway.
(Later) So, I'm facing that fear head-on that I have no guarantees about Jordan's health. I can't quite bring myself to say what I'm thinking, but the gist is I have no direct word from God that the worst won't ever happen. I am fighting the urge to believe it's lack of faith that I'm not begging for healing. I just know that I can't live my life in total fear, thinking I am the one keeping him safe...because I'm not. Life is precious. I can't control it. I can do my part, but things can happen. The sooner I face that fear and believe God will get me through ANYTHING, the sooner I can relax and trust God fully. I firmly belive it takes more faith to endure hardship (and the worst life has to offer) than to believe in miracles. Oh, I would DEFINITELY take a miracle right about now! But I won't hang all my hopes on it and allow bitterness and grief to steal my children's mother from them. I've set most of my marriage issues aside, but I realize they are still there. They try to creep up to the forefront, but we are going to get help with that starting Thursday. I can only focus on one crisis at a time and Jordan comes first, right now.